(OPINION) Toxic Marriage: To Walk Away Or To Stay Put? – By Sandra Ijeoma Okoye

There are many stories of women with permanent physical and emotional scars, whose health has been broken, whose bank accounts and assets have been greatly diminished, whose self-esteem has been irreparably damaged, and whose lives have gone downhill. All at the hands of an abusive, conniving man. When he destroyed one woman’s life, he’s on to the next unsuspecting target. Married women should not let that be their collective misfortune!

There is no denying the fact that when a youth pastor of a popular Pentecostal church, Akolade Arowolo, in 2019 was sentenced to death over the murder of his wife, Titilayo, who was a banker with Skye Bank, now Polaris Bank until she met her untimely death at the hands of her husband that both husbands and wives across the country ought to have learnt lessons from the gory incident.

Referencing the quote credited to Eleanor Roosevelt in this context which says, “Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself”, it is unfortunate to realize the fact that people do not learn from the mistakes of others, particularly as similar gruesome incidents resulting from toxic marriages continue to occur.

For instance, gospel music lovers were rudely shocked in April 2022 when the sad news broke that one of their favorite stars, Sis. Osinachi Nwachukwu was instalmentally murdered by her husband, Bro. Peter Nwachukwu through domestic violence. The 42-year old was said to be a victim of domestic violence, which was unarguably a sad development that led to her early grave.

It has been gathered that Osinachi who shot into the limelight with the hit song; “Ekwueme“, which has been viewed 72 million times on YouTube, died in an Abuja hospital on April 8, 2022, would be buried on June 25, 2022 at her father’s compound in Isuochi, Umunneochi Local Government Area of Abia State, according to a family source.

In a similar vein, a Lagos High Court on Friday, May 20, 2022, sentenced a Dane, Peter Nielsen, to death by hanging for killing his Nigerian wife and daughter. Justice Bolanle Okikiolu-Ighile convicted Nielsen, 54, on two counts of murder brought against him by the Lagos State Government.

At this juncture, permit me to say that the sad recurrence of devastation of most families at the hands of uncaring and wicked husbands has compelled me to offer some thoughts on the need for women to be vigilant before saying “I do” to marriages, and the need to walk away when marriage becomes toxic so much that death becomes imminent.

It is a pity that not few women unwittingly get stuck in the quagmire of marriages that are erroneously thought to be blissful or romantic as not too long into the marriage they get involved with men who are capable of exhibiting contemptible behaviors that may be considered to be unbearable, and are lethal, even as they literarily become emotional baggage too burdensome for any woman to bear. Some of these “unmarriageable “men may not take it to the extreme of murder, but they are destructive nevertheless.

In this context, it is expedient to let most married woman who erroneously think that receiving beatings from their husbands tantamount to demonstration of love to understand that when their husbands hurt them that they do not love them. In fact, physical and emotional abuse are not love as they are only display of intense desire for control. The famous ‘Love Chapter’ in 1 Corinthians 13 does not describe an abusive man.

Against the foregoing backdrop, it is expedient to urge women to be wise and discerning and that they should not rely merely on so-called ‘chemistry’. They should use common sense and keep their standards high and their eyes wide open. They should not forget that their choice in a man can affect their lives for better or worse.

There are many stories of women with permanent physical and emotional scars, whose health has been broken, whose bank accounts and assets have been greatly diminished, whose self-esteem has been irreparably damaged, and whose lives have gone downhill. All at the hands of an abusive, conniving man. When he destroyed one woman’s life, he’s on to the next unsuspecting target. Married women should not let that be their collective misfortune!

At this juncture, it is expedient to ask, “When stuck in a toxic marriage, is it wise or foolish to walk away or to stay put? The foregoing question which also formed the basis of the title of this piece can only be answered from the perspective of what some men of God have said, particularly since Oshinachi was killed by her husband in the month of April, 2022. After all, the bible says, “Believe in the LORD your God, so shall ye be established; believe his prophets, so shall ye prosper”.

Against the foregoing backdrop, it would be recalled that the Bishop, Diocese of Nike (Anglican Communion), Rt. Revd. Christian Onyia during the debate that trailed Osinachi’s death on whether it is wise or foolish to remain in a toxic marriage, out rightly condemned the rising cases of violence against women.

The religious leader, in his Easter message signed by spokesman Chiwuike Uba, stated that “no one should remain in an abusive marriage”.

He urged Nigerians to reflect on the resurrection of Jesus Christ, and rededicate themselves to living in peace, oneness and love of God.

The Bishop said despite the insecurity across the federation, Nigerians should not lose trust in God but live in peace and unity.

“At the start of our forty-day Lenten journey, through the mark of ashes in the Sign of the Cross, we were reminded that, as humans, we will die.”

He noted that while death is inevitable, it no longer has a claim upon believers because God’s word “is the same for Jesus Christ, who was crucified, died, laid in the tomb and resurrected”.

Onyia appealed to citizens not to allow ethnicity, religious beliefs or places of origin to continue to divide Nigeria.

The Bishop declared that violence against women “is both a sin and a crime” and “is never justified.”

“No one should remain in an abusive marriage. Marriages are broken by violence and abuse rather than divorce.”

The cleric further advised everyone to respond with compassion, solidarity and care for those suffering and the vulnerable.

 

Sandra Ijeoma Okoye